Finally, An Update!

I haven't posted in a really long time. Embarrassingly, this is because Google accounts changed stuff around and I was too lazy to figure out how to get into my blog. Today, I actually went through it and it was super easy. Der-der-der!

I finished my fourth college semester and I'm SO glad it's over. Between insanely hard 4000 level classes for my major, friend drama, family drama, and boy drama (DRAMA!) I was stretched pretty thin.

Now it's summer and I've been living in our little blue house, aka Alpha Smoka Hookah, for a week and a half. It's been way fun! I live with my friends Colleen (a crazy lifeguard/pilot in training who is basically my twin), Dylan (my ex's wangsta brother who makes things muy entertaining), Kan (my Japanese lover), and out friend Thom is moving in in June.

I wasn't sure about how living with the guys would be, but it's pretty awesome. Our house is way more relaxed than the apartment of girls I lived with this past year. I loved my roommates, don't get me wrong, but a couple of them were ALWAYS home and LOUD. In the end my room-roommate Katie and I bonded even more over our mutual desire to actually sleep at night.

I have the same job and I'm not taking summer classes. In the empty hours I bike, go to Sub Zero with my roomies, party, smoke hookah, and read books that aren't for school. I read Candy Girl by Diablo Cody in one sitting and that was an AMAZING book. It's a memoir by the woman who wrote the screenplay for Juno. She works at various strip clubs/sex stores for a year and her story is shocking and hilarious. I knew strippers' lives weren't exactly glamorous, but I didn't know all of the disgusting and unfair things that go on behind the scenes. I'm grateful that my nude modeling was through my school so I knew I would be paid well and be safe.

I also saw Bridesmaids with a friend last weekend, and that was a riot! A tip: don't go on a full stomach, because one scene made me really want to throw up. Still, it was a great movie and I hope Kristen Wiig does more outside of SNL.

Some creepy guy from our realty place is here to fix the lawnmower. Peace!

I Talk About Myself

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

This quote is on the wall at my school's counseling center. When I was in the waiting room earlier today, it caught my eye and I mulled this thought over. It's so true; I believe when you "find yourself" you reach your ultimate happiness.

I have yet to achieve this, but that isn't what brought me to therapy. I signed up at the end of last semester when I realized that I've been too dependent on guys and I'm still affected by first breakup. Throw in family issues and the general stress of being an independent college student and you have one drained individual.

I know I haven't had it that bad compared to a lot of people. I don't have cancer and I'm not a victim of physical abuse. But like my therapist and I discussed today, sometimes trauma is harder when you can't put a label on it. That's the case with my stepdad. My family and I live in fear of his temper and violent tendencies. Moving out has put me at ease, but I still worry about the rest of my family. My mom refuses to leave him, and it's really upsetting. It's not my relationship though, and I have to accept that eventually they will fix or terminate it.

My own relationships obviously need work, which is why I'm determined to stay single for a while. I'm glad that therapy will give me the opportunity to do some self exploration. I'll examine why I make the choices I do, and what I have to change or just accept.

I'm not a religious person, but this prayer really speaks to me at this time in my life.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

2010

I was inspired by Shannon (in other words, I'm going to copy her) to reflect on the last year. 2010 was a strange, difficult, and awesome year all at once. These are the major events of last year, in  no order, and both good and bad:

1. Eric and I broke up for the final time. It took me a while to realize, but it set me free!

2. I took English 3400 and 3410 and fell in love with my major for reals.

3. I spent the majority of Spring Break and second semester with Justin, and we had a fun and drama-free relationship (the easiest one I've been in so far).

4. I saw several awesome concerts: Cake, Modest Mouse, Tegan and Sara, Reel Big Fish, The New Pornographers, Matisyahu, Beirut, Flogging Molly, Ben Folds

5. I got my current job at retail; I love it and I hope to keep it for a long time.

6. I partied like a rock star!

7. I kissed a girl (EWWWWWWW)

8. I met so many awesome people who are really important to me.

9. I broke someone's heart.

10. I went through some awful family struggles that have left me terrified of marriage and helped me learn where my loyalties lie.

11. I became addicted to coffee.

12. I quit smoking!  

13. I grew up. I still have a lot of work to do, but I've improved myself so much in the last year.                        

A Boring Post About Sleeping Habits and What They Mean

Sleep and I have always had a rocky relationship. When my parents were going through their divorce I had chronic insomnia and nightmares, so my mom made me see a counselor. After that (most of which I can't remember), I slept well for a few years. I was always the first to fall asleep at sleepovers and didn't think anything of it. When I got older, though, sleeplessness crept in and has remained pretty constant for the last few years.

It's pretty bad now because:

1. I am a coffee fiend and can't go a day without it.
2. I haven't been exercising
3. I'm always stressed
4. I'm still wired from work most nights.

I hope when school starts I can break the cycle. God, it's frustrating! Isn't it funny how when you're little all you want to do is stay up late, and when you get older you just want more?

Whenever I go home, I end up sleeping most of the time. I don't know if the atmosphere is more comforting, or I just get bored and zonk out. But it's nice to catch up whenever I'm there.

I have to be at work in a mere eight hours, so I should try to get to sleep before then. I feel like my blog posts are a terrible bore to whomever bothers to read them. So I won't be offended if someone comes out and says, "It sucks." But it's mostly for my benefit anyway (:

Faking It

When I'm a cashier at work I have to ask every customer if they have a rewards card. If not, I'm supposed to convince them to apply for one so that they can save ten percent. Whenever someone gets a card I get a credit and am able to choose a really exciting prize! ha. It's just strongly suggested everyone sell one on their shift.

I've convinced more people to apply lately because I've perfected the technique. I smile a lot and I say "How are y'all doin'?" if there are multiple people present. This ups my charm factor and makes the consumer more vulnerable.

Last night I contemplated my approach and thought about just how much I really fake stuff. Like every woman on earth, I've faked an orgasm. When I'm with my grandparents I play up my angel child role, the college girl who never parties. I fake enthusiasm when I'm in an inane conversation.

A more extreme example of faking it was Monday night, when I hung out with my friend Mike. I hadn't seen him in a long time, so when he suggested getting drunk and watching scary movies I was down. But when he asked me if I wanted to make out later that night, I said yes even though I didn't want to. I was bored and he was there. I'm just glad that the next day he clarified that we're just friends.

 I'm just disgusted with myself sometimes. The number of guys I've had MEANINGFUL experience with...well there's just three. With everyone else, there was substances, revenge, convenience, or boredom in the picture. What's wrong with me?

My new year's resolution: to be more real, and true to myself (whomever that may be).

Pros and Cons

I'm still reeling from the Matt breakup; this past week has felt like a year. I'm grateful that friends have offered comfort and are willing to listen, but I don't want to overload them.

Everyday I second-guess my decision to end things with him. It seems sudden, though I now realize that my feelings haven't been the same for a while. I was caught up in the thrill of the chase three months ago. We'd party together and mess around afterwards, and I secretly loved not knowing what we were. It was after he asked me to be his girlfriend and we labeled everything that things went downhill. We spent every minute we weren't in class and I wasn't at work together. This was awesome for a while, but it got tiring. As heartless as this is, I was sick of him!

Monday I saw Matt briefly, then ran errands and went out to lunch with my friend Erin. I was talking about how Matt's slacker attitude bothered me when she abruptly said, "What really bothers me is how he treats you."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, he freaks out over even the littlest things. I've noticed you guys fighting a LOT. And it's not what you're arguing about, it's just his personality."
"Well I'm his first girlfriend. He doesn't really know how to treat girls yet."
"Malyssa, it's been months."

And then we talked about it for a good hour or so, which got me thinking. In my Journalism study session later that day, I made a Pro/Con list in my notebook. I don't have it with me at the moment, since I ran away to my mom's house for the weekend. But this is what I remember:

Pros:
-He's a good kisser
-He's good in bed (I taught him well, since he lost his V-card to me)
-He's sweet
-He's hot
-We have fun together

Cons:
-He's really immature
-He doesn't have a job
-He's a terrible student and doesn't even care. Copying my math homework when I'm the world's biggest dumbass when it comes to math=not a smart move
-His parents pay for everything so he's not accountable and doesn't seem to notice that he's a mooch
-He's needy. He ALWAYS wants to hang out, and I almost always indulge him even when I don't want to. 
-He's argumentative
-I don't know if he even loves me, because I think he confuses a lot of the physical stuff for emotional stuff
-I don't know if I love him anymore
-He donates plasma and all of that money automatically goes to weed, alcohol and cigarettes. Which relates back to the fourth con.

I know we're in college and everyone dates different types of people. It's not like I'm looking for a husband or anything. The cons just outweighed the pros so much and as I re--read my list over and over again I realized: I have priorities, responsibilities, and goals. Matt doesn't.

Maybe this will change with time. I'm almost a year older than Matt and I know he has a lot of growing up to do. I learned from my first relationship that you can't change anyone, though. So I know I made the right decision in breaking up with him. It still breaks my heart. He didn't see it coming, and he's such a good guy--but for someone else. I feel awful when I think of how he said he saw us going out until at least next summer, and how we planned to spend New Year's Eve together. There's always the musings of what could have been.

"It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you"
--Nsync, baby. A band that weirdly enough, Matt saw and I never did (his sister wanted to go and his mom made the whole family come along).

Everything still reminds me of him, obviously. But it will pass...

E...S...J...M...fuck that. It's time for me.

What's the deal with my brain?

Why am I so obviously insane?

In a perfect situation

I let love down the drain

Oh, Weezer. I'm a mess, honestly. And this isn't about Matt in particular. I'm just coming to this realization that I've thrived on relationships too much. This is my third breakup of 2010. For the last four years I've consistently been in some kind of relationship. And that's messed up. I need to take time to find myself, as cliche as that is.

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"--The Fray

"There comes a time when we must choose between what is right and what is easy"--Dumbledore