Sleep and I have always had a rocky relationship. When my parents were going through their divorce I had chronic insomnia and nightmares, so my mom made me see a counselor. After that (most of which I can't remember), I slept well for a few years. I was always the first to fall asleep at sleepovers and didn't think anything of it. When I got older, though, sleeplessness crept in and has remained pretty constant for the last few years.
It's pretty bad now because:
1. I am a coffee fiend and can't go a day without it.
2. I haven't been exercising
3. I'm always stressed
4. I'm still wired from work most nights.
I hope when school starts I can break the cycle. God, it's frustrating! Isn't it funny how when you're little all you want to do is stay up late, and when you get older you just want more?
Whenever I go home, I end up sleeping most of the time. I don't know if the atmosphere is more comforting, or I just get bored and zonk out. But it's nice to catch up whenever I'm there.
I have to be at work in a mere eight hours, so I should try to get to sleep before then. I feel like my blog posts are a terrible bore to whomever bothers to read them. So I won't be offended if someone comes out and says, "It sucks." But it's mostly for my benefit anyway (:
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Faking It
When I'm a cashier at work I have to ask every customer if they have a rewards card. If not, I'm supposed to convince them to apply for one so that they can save ten percent. Whenever someone gets a card I get a credit and am able to choose a really exciting prize! ha. It's just strongly suggested everyone sell one on their shift.
I've convinced more people to apply lately because I've perfected the technique. I smile a lot and I say "How are y'all doin'?" if there are multiple people present. This ups my charm factor and makes the consumer more vulnerable.
Last night I contemplated my approach and thought about just how much I really fake stuff. Like every woman on earth, I've faked an orgasm. When I'm with my grandparents I play up my angel child role, the college girl who never parties. I fake enthusiasm when I'm in an inane conversation.
A more extreme example of faking it was Monday night, when I hung out with my friend Mike. I hadn't seen him in a long time, so when he suggested getting drunk and watching scary movies I was down. But when he asked me if I wanted to make out later that night, I said yes even though I didn't want to. I was bored and he was there. I'm just glad that the next day he clarified that we're just friends.
I'm just disgusted with myself sometimes. The number of guys I've had MEANINGFUL experience with...well there's just three. With everyone else, there was substances, revenge, convenience, or boredom in the picture. What's wrong with me?
My new year's resolution: to be more real, and true to myself (whomever that may be).
I've convinced more people to apply lately because I've perfected the technique. I smile a lot and I say "How are y'all doin'?" if there are multiple people present. This ups my charm factor and makes the consumer more vulnerable.
Last night I contemplated my approach and thought about just how much I really fake stuff. Like every woman on earth, I've faked an orgasm. When I'm with my grandparents I play up my angel child role, the college girl who never parties. I fake enthusiasm when I'm in an inane conversation.
A more extreme example of faking it was Monday night, when I hung out with my friend Mike. I hadn't seen him in a long time, so when he suggested getting drunk and watching scary movies I was down. But when he asked me if I wanted to make out later that night, I said yes even though I didn't want to. I was bored and he was there. I'm just glad that the next day he clarified that we're just friends.
I'm just disgusted with myself sometimes. The number of guys I've had MEANINGFUL experience with...well there's just three. With everyone else, there was substances, revenge, convenience, or boredom in the picture. What's wrong with me?
My new year's resolution: to be more real, and true to myself (whomever that may be).
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Pros and Cons
I'm still reeling from the Matt breakup; this past week has felt like a year. I'm grateful that friends have offered comfort and are willing to listen, but I don't want to overload them.
Everyday I second-guess my decision to end things with him. It seems sudden, though I now realize that my feelings haven't been the same for a while. I was caught up in the thrill of the chase three months ago. We'd party together and mess around afterwards, and I secretly loved not knowing what we were. It was after he asked me to be his girlfriend and we labeled everything that things went downhill. We spent every minute we weren't in class and I wasn't at work together. This was awesome for a while, but it got tiring. As heartless as this is, I was sick of him!
Monday I saw Matt briefly, then ran errands and went out to lunch with my friend Erin. I was talking about how Matt's slacker attitude bothered me when she abruptly said, "What really bothers me is how he treats you."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, he freaks out over even the littlest things. I've noticed you guys fighting a LOT. And it's not what you're arguing about, it's just his personality."
"Well I'm his first girlfriend. He doesn't really know how to treat girls yet."
"Malyssa, it's been months."
And then we talked about it for a good hour or so, which got me thinking. In my Journalism study session later that day, I made a Pro/Con list in my notebook. I don't have it with me at the moment, since I ran away to my mom's house for the weekend. But this is what I remember:
Pros:
-He's a good kisser
-He's good in bed (I taught him well, since he lost his V-card to me)
-He's sweet
-He's hot
-We have fun together
Cons:
-He's really immature
-He doesn't have a job
-He's a terrible student and doesn't even care. Copying my math homework when I'm the world's biggest dumbass when it comes to math=not a smart move
-His parents pay for everything so he's not accountable and doesn't seem to notice that he's a mooch
-He's needy. He ALWAYS wants to hang out, and I almost always indulge him even when I don't want to.
-He's argumentative
-I don't know if he even loves me, because I think he confuses a lot of the physical stuff for emotional stuff
-I don't know if I love him anymore
-He donates plasma and all of that money automatically goes to weed, alcohol and cigarettes. Which relates back to the fourth con.
I know we're in college and everyone dates different types of people. It's not like I'm looking for a husband or anything. The cons just outweighed the pros so much and as I re--read my list over and over again I realized: I have priorities, responsibilities, and goals. Matt doesn't.
Maybe this will change with time. I'm almost a year older than Matt and I know he has a lot of growing up to do. I learned from my first relationship that you can't change anyone, though. So I know I made the right decision in breaking up with him. It still breaks my heart. He didn't see it coming, and he's such a good guy--but for someone else. I feel awful when I think of how he said he saw us going out until at least next summer, and how we planned to spend New Year's Eve together. There's always the musings of what could have been.
"It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you"
--Nsync, baby. A band that weirdly enough, Matt saw and I never did (his sister wanted to go and his mom made the whole family come along).
Everything still reminds me of him, obviously. But it will pass...
Everyday I second-guess my decision to end things with him. It seems sudden, though I now realize that my feelings haven't been the same for a while. I was caught up in the thrill of the chase three months ago. We'd party together and mess around afterwards, and I secretly loved not knowing what we were. It was after he asked me to be his girlfriend and we labeled everything that things went downhill. We spent every minute we weren't in class and I wasn't at work together. This was awesome for a while, but it got tiring. As heartless as this is, I was sick of him!
Monday I saw Matt briefly, then ran errands and went out to lunch with my friend Erin. I was talking about how Matt's slacker attitude bothered me when she abruptly said, "What really bothers me is how he treats you."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, he freaks out over even the littlest things. I've noticed you guys fighting a LOT. And it's not what you're arguing about, it's just his personality."
"Well I'm his first girlfriend. He doesn't really know how to treat girls yet."
"Malyssa, it's been months."
And then we talked about it for a good hour or so, which got me thinking. In my Journalism study session later that day, I made a Pro/Con list in my notebook. I don't have it with me at the moment, since I ran away to my mom's house for the weekend. But this is what I remember:
Pros:
-He's a good kisser
-He's good in bed (I taught him well, since he lost his V-card to me)
-He's sweet
-He's hot
-We have fun together
Cons:
-He's really immature
-He doesn't have a job
-He's a terrible student and doesn't even care. Copying my math homework when I'm the world's biggest dumbass when it comes to math=not a smart move
-His parents pay for everything so he's not accountable and doesn't seem to notice that he's a mooch
-He's needy. He ALWAYS wants to hang out, and I almost always indulge him even when I don't want to.
-He's argumentative
-I don't know if he even loves me, because I think he confuses a lot of the physical stuff for emotional stuff
-I don't know if I love him anymore
-He donates plasma and all of that money automatically goes to weed, alcohol and cigarettes. Which relates back to the fourth con.
I know we're in college and everyone dates different types of people. It's not like I'm looking for a husband or anything. The cons just outweighed the pros so much and as I re--read my list over and over again I realized: I have priorities, responsibilities, and goals. Matt doesn't.
Maybe this will change with time. I'm almost a year older than Matt and I know he has a lot of growing up to do. I learned from my first relationship that you can't change anyone, though. So I know I made the right decision in breaking up with him. It still breaks my heart. He didn't see it coming, and he's such a good guy--but for someone else. I feel awful when I think of how he said he saw us going out until at least next summer, and how we planned to spend New Year's Eve together. There's always the musings of what could have been.
"It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you"
--Nsync, baby. A band that weirdly enough, Matt saw and I never did (his sister wanted to go and his mom made the whole family come along).
Everything still reminds me of him, obviously. But it will pass...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
E...S...J...M...fuck that. It's time for me.
What's the deal with my brain?
Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation
I let love down the drain
Oh, Weezer. I'm a mess, honestly. And this isn't about Matt in particular. I'm just coming to this realization that I've thrived on relationships too much. This is my third breakup of 2010. For the last four years I've consistently been in some kind of relationship. And that's messed up. I need to take time to find myself, as cliche as that is.
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"--The Fray
"There comes a time when we must choose between what is right and what is easy"--Dumbledore
Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation
I let love down the drain
Oh, Weezer. I'm a mess, honestly. And this isn't about Matt in particular. I'm just coming to this realization that I've thrived on relationships too much. This is my third breakup of 2010. For the last four years I've consistently been in some kind of relationship. And that's messed up. I need to take time to find myself, as cliche as that is.
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"--The Fray
"There comes a time when we must choose between what is right and what is easy"--Dumbledore
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
BOB Ron Weasley
Mackenzie, this was a baller topic choice. Just so ya know. And this blog post is all over the place, just to give y'all a warning.
I love Ron. He's adorable and I think it's funny how he's in love with Hermione the whole time and badly hides it. Unlike a lot of girls, though, I don't find him attractive. Something about gingers just makes me go: Nahhhh. They're so not my type. Not to be racist, or anything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7FwXPz8Slc
The only gingers I'll make an exception for are Fred and George...hot damn. I'd take them. Well, maybe just one. Two guys would be really overwhelming.
Though gingers get a lot of shit, I can think of some power redheads. The Weasleys are all pretty bad-ass. Hayley Williams of Paramore, Sean Astin (Truffle Shuffle/Samwise Gangee), Lucille Ball, Amy Adams, Lindsay Lohan when she was still cool. The artist Titian painted chicks with red hair a lot; he was kinda obsessed.
I think Rupert Grint was the PERFECT choice for Ron in the movies; actually the whole Weasley family was cast well. I was unsure about Daniel and Emma at first until they grew on me (especially Daniel, who is still my #1 celeb crush). Grint exemplifies Ron's personality beautifully and is endearingly awkward. He's a talented actor who I'm sure will have great success outside the Harry Potter films (check out Driving Lessons, another good movie with him in it).
To conclude: Gingers still don't have souls.
I love Ron. He's adorable and I think it's funny how he's in love with Hermione the whole time and badly hides it. Unlike a lot of girls, though, I don't find him attractive. Something about gingers just makes me go: Nahhhh. They're so not my type. Not to be racist, or anything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7FwXPz8Slc
The only gingers I'll make an exception for are Fred and George...hot damn. I'd take them. Well, maybe just one. Two guys would be really overwhelming.
Though gingers get a lot of shit, I can think of some power redheads. The Weasleys are all pretty bad-ass. Hayley Williams of Paramore, Sean Astin (Truffle Shuffle/Samwise Gangee), Lucille Ball, Amy Adams, Lindsay Lohan when she was still cool. The artist Titian painted chicks with red hair a lot; he was kinda obsessed.
I think Rupert Grint was the PERFECT choice for Ron in the movies; actually the whole Weasley family was cast well. I was unsure about Daniel and Emma at first until they grew on me (especially Daniel, who is still my #1 celeb crush). Grint exemplifies Ron's personality beautifully and is endearingly awkward. He's a talented actor who I'm sure will have great success outside the Harry Potter films (check out Driving Lessons, another good movie with him in it).
To conclude: Gingers still don't have souls.
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