Pros and Cons

I'm still reeling from the Matt breakup; this past week has felt like a year. I'm grateful that friends have offered comfort and are willing to listen, but I don't want to overload them.

Everyday I second-guess my decision to end things with him. It seems sudden, though I now realize that my feelings haven't been the same for a while. I was caught up in the thrill of the chase three months ago. We'd party together and mess around afterwards, and I secretly loved not knowing what we were. It was after he asked me to be his girlfriend and we labeled everything that things went downhill. We spent every minute we weren't in class and I wasn't at work together. This was awesome for a while, but it got tiring. As heartless as this is, I was sick of him!

Monday I saw Matt briefly, then ran errands and went out to lunch with my friend Erin. I was talking about how Matt's slacker attitude bothered me when she abruptly said, "What really bothers me is how he treats you."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, he freaks out over even the littlest things. I've noticed you guys fighting a LOT. And it's not what you're arguing about, it's just his personality."
"Well I'm his first girlfriend. He doesn't really know how to treat girls yet."
"Malyssa, it's been months."

And then we talked about it for a good hour or so, which got me thinking. In my Journalism study session later that day, I made a Pro/Con list in my notebook. I don't have it with me at the moment, since I ran away to my mom's house for the weekend. But this is what I remember:

Pros:
-He's a good kisser
-He's good in bed (I taught him well, since he lost his V-card to me)
-He's sweet
-He's hot
-We have fun together

Cons:
-He's really immature
-He doesn't have a job
-He's a terrible student and doesn't even care. Copying my math homework when I'm the world's biggest dumbass when it comes to math=not a smart move
-His parents pay for everything so he's not accountable and doesn't seem to notice that he's a mooch
-He's needy. He ALWAYS wants to hang out, and I almost always indulge him even when I don't want to. 
-He's argumentative
-I don't know if he even loves me, because I think he confuses a lot of the physical stuff for emotional stuff
-I don't know if I love him anymore
-He donates plasma and all of that money automatically goes to weed, alcohol and cigarettes. Which relates back to the fourth con.

I know we're in college and everyone dates different types of people. It's not like I'm looking for a husband or anything. The cons just outweighed the pros so much and as I re--read my list over and over again I realized: I have priorities, responsibilities, and goals. Matt doesn't.

Maybe this will change with time. I'm almost a year older than Matt and I know he has a lot of growing up to do. I learned from my first relationship that you can't change anyone, though. So I know I made the right decision in breaking up with him. It still breaks my heart. He didn't see it coming, and he's such a good guy--but for someone else. I feel awful when I think of how he said he saw us going out until at least next summer, and how we planned to spend New Year's Eve together. There's always the musings of what could have been.

"It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you"
--Nsync, baby. A band that weirdly enough, Matt saw and I never did (his sister wanted to go and his mom made the whole family come along).

Everything still reminds me of him, obviously. But it will pass...