I Talk About Myself

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

This quote is on the wall at my school's counseling center. When I was in the waiting room earlier today, it caught my eye and I mulled this thought over. It's so true; I believe when you "find yourself" you reach your ultimate happiness.

I have yet to achieve this, but that isn't what brought me to therapy. I signed up at the end of last semester when I realized that I've been too dependent on guys and I'm still affected by first breakup. Throw in family issues and the general stress of being an independent college student and you have one drained individual.

I know I haven't had it that bad compared to a lot of people. I don't have cancer and I'm not a victim of physical abuse. But like my therapist and I discussed today, sometimes trauma is harder when you can't put a label on it. That's the case with my stepdad. My family and I live in fear of his temper and violent tendencies. Moving out has put me at ease, but I still worry about the rest of my family. My mom refuses to leave him, and it's really upsetting. It's not my relationship though, and I have to accept that eventually they will fix or terminate it.

My own relationships obviously need work, which is why I'm determined to stay single for a while. I'm glad that therapy will give me the opportunity to do some self exploration. I'll examine why I make the choices I do, and what I have to change or just accept.

I'm not a religious person, but this prayer really speaks to me at this time in my life.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

2010

I was inspired by Shannon (in other words, I'm going to copy her) to reflect on the last year. 2010 was a strange, difficult, and awesome year all at once. These are the major events of last year, in  no order, and both good and bad:

1. Eric and I broke up for the final time. It took me a while to realize, but it set me free!

2. I took English 3400 and 3410 and fell in love with my major for reals.

3. I spent the majority of Spring Break and second semester with Justin, and we had a fun and drama-free relationship (the easiest one I've been in so far).

4. I saw several awesome concerts: Cake, Modest Mouse, Tegan and Sara, Reel Big Fish, The New Pornographers, Matisyahu, Beirut, Flogging Molly, Ben Folds

5. I got my current job at retail; I love it and I hope to keep it for a long time.

6. I partied like a rock star!

7. I kissed a girl (EWWWWWWW)

8. I met so many awesome people who are really important to me.

9. I broke someone's heart.

10. I went through some awful family struggles that have left me terrified of marriage and helped me learn where my loyalties lie.

11. I became addicted to coffee.

12. I quit smoking!  

13. I grew up. I still have a lot of work to do, but I've improved myself so much in the last year.